Thursday, June 25, 2009

Love Doctor advice - going through a break up

Love Doctor advice - going through a break up

One of the most gut wrenching situations a guy can find himself in is breaking up with a woman. Behind finding one, it's one of the tougher experiences you'll go through.

The reasons a guy might want to break up are plenty. There might be no connection, no attraction, or she's just grown irritating to him.

Whatever the reason, the fact remains that you're not happy with the person you are seeing, and you want to END IT.

You MUST break up verbally. It's best to break up in person, but in some cases that's just not possible, such as in long distance relationships. If you can't break up in person, then you must do it over the phone. NEVER break up in writing, such as via text message, e-mail,
Facebook comment, post-it note, etc. Voicemail breakups, while verbal, are also unacceptable. Not only is it cowardly, but you know it's over before they do, and that's just not fair. The breakup needs to be a conversation, not a message.

Don't lie. You may think saying things like "I still want to be friends," "I'll always love you," "I still care about you," etc. will make the person feel better, but they'll only make things worse in the long run if they're not true. Only say what you feel, not what you think they want to hear. Also, don't give the person false reasons for breaking up. They might find out that those reasons weren't true, and the fact that you lied would only make things worse for both of you. Never use overused lines like "it's not you, it's me," because even if it's true, it's too cliché.

Breaking up is not the time to bring up every little thing they did wrong. Even if their little annoying habits are what contributed to you wanting to break things off, the person will probably feel bad enough without the criticisms. If those things had really bothered you, you should have told them earlier.

The old saying goes - breaking up is hard to do. And boy, they weren't kidding. It's always hard to tell someone you don't care for them the same way they do for you. But it's always best to do it in a way that causes the least amount of pain possible.

The first thing to remember is that the sooner you do this, the better. If you know early on you don't want to go deeper into a relationship, cut things off quickly instead of leading the girl on. This will make the separation easier.

Sometimes, you may be tempted to keep the girl around until something better comes along. But don't do this. Prolonging something you know isn't going to work out won't do either of you any good.

I'd avoid going to the route of completely cutting her off. Avoiding her or ignoring her is one of the worst things you can do. It will lead to questions, and eventually resentment on her part. Think about that, would you like it done to yourself?

It's always best to end things amicably. In the future, you might want to come back to her at some point, either romantically, or if you need help with something. Even if you don't, it's still a good idea.

You never want to burn a bridge and give up your ability to influence a woman by having a bad break up, or dumping her in the wrong way. When you do break the news, try and do it gently.

Make sure you're there in person. If that's too hard for you, at least talk to her on the phone. Don't leave a message or text her your decision. Have the courtesy to tell her in person.

When you break the news, let her know that it has been hard for you to come to this decision, because she is a great girl. But for whatever reason, you don't feel the chemistry you need to be in a relationship with her.

Let her know you still value her and want to be her friend (even if you don't), and then ask her what she thinks.

Usually, she will want to know why it is you don't feel that special chemistry you need to be in a relationship. When she asks this, let her know this just wasn't the right time for you, and that you don't really know what you're looking for.

Being vague will help spare the girl's feelings.

The strongest move you can make is to actually apologize to her for not feeling the chemistry. Tell her you are sorry for that, and wish that things were different in this situation. It will take away the sting of rejection by empowering her somewhat.

Be direct and clear that you want to be on good terms with her, no matter what. Inquire what it would take to still be friends. If you allow her to dictate the terms, she'll tell you how to proceed.

Love Doctor advice - going through a break up

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Thursday, December 11, 2008

Teens problems on Love and relationships - solved by the Love Doctor

Hello dear readers of the Love Doctor Blog.

Today we are going to answer a letter from a confused 15 year old girl. She emailed me last month about her problem with her boyfriend. The letter is below. Enjoy and happy reading.

Hey love doctor. I'm Aura, im 15 and people may say that I'm to0 young to be in love but in my heart i know that i love my boyfriend with all my might. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1 year and 1 months and some days. I love him, but sometimes all we do is argue and argue. He doubts me at times, and he is also real jealous. I dont know why we argue so much. I wish that i had a solution to this problem.

I don't want to loose him and when we argue all hell goes loose. Um.. me and him have ben through ALOT, there's no explanation to what we have gone through. I've always been there for him and he has always been there for me. OUr live's are rough. My parents love him and his parents love us being together. When people see us they stare and say that we will be together an eternity, and teachers love watching us be together. They know that we keep each other happy at time's and if we don't then its not right. If i'm not with him for a day or if i dont see him it makes me down and sad. I've been going through alot of emotional break downs, and i know that they are not healthy.

Sometimes i give up on Chris(my boyfriend). We have plans on wanting to be together and when we get out of college be together and live a long life together. But waitt... thats not it. Sometimes things can go like peaches and cream and then like a dog and a cat. I broke up with him today and told him that i was tired of his shit.

But i broke down crying because i need him we share out thoughts, spirits, emotions, and most of all love and heart together. He called me and asked me if i was still his wife that he loved me and that he dosen't want to loose me, and that if i can give him more chances. I know that this sounds ridiculous but... he treats awfully bad sometimes like he will get jealous and scream and tell me that im a liar, and im not.

Ive never cheatd on him or nothing, and i know that he hasnt cheated on me either. I just want this arguing to stop, i love him and my heart wont take it anymore if we continue to argue ove r non important reasons. I hope that you can help me doc. I love him, and i need him as much as he needs me. hopefully things will turn out good and fall in the right foot steps, dont get me wrong, im wrong at times also and i knowt that. well please help!! thanxxx.


Hi Aura!

The key to any good relationship is compromise. Arguments cannot be avoided in relationships.

Don't let those arguments get the better of you. You've been with each other for so long and both your families love seeing you together, you have to make it work if you really love each other. There is a way to make him feel more secure with himself so he won't accuse you of anything anymore, but that is, if only you're up to it. You can have him check your phone and your other online accounts so he can be sure that you aren't cheating and you're not fooling around behind his back. Once he sees that there really isn't anything to worry about he'd think twice before accusing you again.

When you argue, don't raise your voice at him as this would only provoke him (and you as well) to continue on arguing and it would never stop. Instead, talk to him calmly and keep repeating that you love him (without raising you voice) Tell him lovingly how much you love him and how much you don't want to argue as it would hurt the two of you. It may seem hard and you have to have a lot of patience but in dealing with overly jealous boyfriends you must learn how to be be calm. Remind yourself and him also about how much the two of you love each other. When he starts getting jealous and starts screaming at you again, just stay quiet, wait for him to finish whatever it is that he's saying and tell him, calmly and with as much sweetness that you love him. If he calls you a liar after that, remind him of the things that you have been through.

The important part is about being calm and not raising your voice. Let him say what he wants to say and show him that you're not going to argue with him. Boys get irrationally jealous of the people you're close with most of the time especially if you're very pretty so it can't really be avoided. Hopefully if you show him and become more transparent to him, he'll see that there really isn't anything to worry about. Sometimes all these boys need is the reassurance that you love them and that there's no one else in the world for you. I hope this helps.

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