Thursday, June 25, 2009

Love Doctor advice - going through a break up

Love Doctor advice - going through a break up

One of the most gut wrenching situations a guy can find himself in is breaking up with a woman. Behind finding one, it's one of the tougher experiences you'll go through.

The reasons a guy might want to break up are plenty. There might be no connection, no attraction, or she's just grown irritating to him.

Whatever the reason, the fact remains that you're not happy with the person you are seeing, and you want to END IT.

You MUST break up verbally. It's best to break up in person, but in some cases that's just not possible, such as in long distance relationships. If you can't break up in person, then you must do it over the phone. NEVER break up in writing, such as via text message, e-mail,
Facebook comment, post-it note, etc. Voicemail breakups, while verbal, are also unacceptable. Not only is it cowardly, but you know it's over before they do, and that's just not fair. The breakup needs to be a conversation, not a message.

Don't lie. You may think saying things like "I still want to be friends," "I'll always love you," "I still care about you," etc. will make the person feel better, but they'll only make things worse in the long run if they're not true. Only say what you feel, not what you think they want to hear. Also, don't give the person false reasons for breaking up. They might find out that those reasons weren't true, and the fact that you lied would only make things worse for both of you. Never use overused lines like "it's not you, it's me," because even if it's true, it's too cliché.

Breaking up is not the time to bring up every little thing they did wrong. Even if their little annoying habits are what contributed to you wanting to break things off, the person will probably feel bad enough without the criticisms. If those things had really bothered you, you should have told them earlier.

The old saying goes - breaking up is hard to do. And boy, they weren't kidding. It's always hard to tell someone you don't care for them the same way they do for you. But it's always best to do it in a way that causes the least amount of pain possible.

The first thing to remember is that the sooner you do this, the better. If you know early on you don't want to go deeper into a relationship, cut things off quickly instead of leading the girl on. This will make the separation easier.

Sometimes, you may be tempted to keep the girl around until something better comes along. But don't do this. Prolonging something you know isn't going to work out won't do either of you any good.

I'd avoid going to the route of completely cutting her off. Avoiding her or ignoring her is one of the worst things you can do. It will lead to questions, and eventually resentment on her part. Think about that, would you like it done to yourself?

It's always best to end things amicably. In the future, you might want to come back to her at some point, either romantically, or if you need help with something. Even if you don't, it's still a good idea.

You never want to burn a bridge and give up your ability to influence a woman by having a bad break up, or dumping her in the wrong way. When you do break the news, try and do it gently.

Make sure you're there in person. If that's too hard for you, at least talk to her on the phone. Don't leave a message or text her your decision. Have the courtesy to tell her in person.

When you break the news, let her know that it has been hard for you to come to this decision, because she is a great girl. But for whatever reason, you don't feel the chemistry you need to be in a relationship with her.

Let her know you still value her and want to be her friend (even if you don't), and then ask her what she thinks.

Usually, she will want to know why it is you don't feel that special chemistry you need to be in a relationship. When she asks this, let her know this just wasn't the right time for you, and that you don't really know what you're looking for.

Being vague will help spare the girl's feelings.

The strongest move you can make is to actually apologize to her for not feeling the chemistry. Tell her you are sorry for that, and wish that things were different in this situation. It will take away the sting of rejection by empowering her somewhat.

Be direct and clear that you want to be on good terms with her, no matter what. Inquire what it would take to still be friends. If you allow her to dictate the terms, she'll tell you how to proceed.

Love Doctor advice - going through a break up

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